Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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