she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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