Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
