mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think I sprained my soul last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
