Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
40s are totally the cure
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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