My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
