I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
