Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
