2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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