You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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