she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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