i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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