I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
