i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
