I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
