hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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