According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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