good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
