He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
