just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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