I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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