I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
