I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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