yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
