I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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