Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
