I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i came on her dog
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
