The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
