i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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