I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
