margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
