i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
