dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Randomize
