There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
