someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Houston, we have a blender
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
