Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
