i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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