I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
