i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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