i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Randomize
