i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
