I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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