I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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