You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
