Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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