Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
