My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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