I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
NoShamevember. You game?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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