I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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