I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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