The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
