If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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