Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
