I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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