Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
there is glitter all over my balls
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